words

A small undercurrent of fear

before we consume

I’m with Jenny

We make our way to the bedroom and spend 10 minutes trying to get the Bluetooth speaker to connect

Pink Floyd

The Beatles, I begin to feel a trickle move through my body

Jenny announces “there it is”

I sing to her, Abbey Road,

She cries

We kiss, engulfed by one another’s presence

Not just here, now in this bed

But larger, on some magnificent logarithmic scale

Radiohead

I start to cry

Jenny says it’s okay

I feel a massive release of emotions

Crying, alternating sadness and sheer joy

She says “I felt that”

I say “there’s so much more”

It feels amazing to let go

Then I feel it at the base of my skull

It radiates through me

I feel fear

I tell Jenny I’m scared

She says it’s okay

I trust the universe

And ride a series of waves

The crests are high and scary

I feel anxious

People in my life roll through my mind like cards in a Rolodex

People who I’ve loved and who have loved me

People who I’ve hurt and have hurt me

And I feel okay with their presence 

I take deep breaths, in and out,

Then slide down the other side 

Joy again, singing,

My body feels like it is humming

My bones feel gelatinous

We laugh

Alternating through the ups and downs

Jenny says it’s pulling her again

I tell her it’s okay 

I breathe in the universe

And exhale the trapped particles of my little existence back out into the infinite soup

Jenny says it feels like we’re swimming

I say we are

I start skipping songs that are scary

I give in to the fear, momentary like electrical pulses

Breathe in and out

Back to joy and love

Repeat until things begin to settle

Yawning

I want to sleep but my body keeps vibrating

Jenny sleeps

I see beautiful visuals, translucent shapes racing

The fear stabilizes

I sleep

I awake and feel good

I derive from my experience

That I am temporary

Everything exists on the plane of time for it’s prescribed duration

And that I can endure anything

Ultimately

The universe cradles me in its warm center

2023sm