words

Your tremolo

Fast

Wires of lightning arc about your thoughts

I love you

In the dark 

In the light

In the calm and in the fury

Behind your eyes

I see you hidden behind those ocular shades

And I love you and your scars

Every existential Sunday

I watch you skirt the edge of forever

I want to kiss your brain

Calm those circuits that are so active

Quiet the thunderclap resonating within

And release you from your shackles

I love you

I wish that I could fix the world for you

But I cannot

So I love you instead

And I hope that it helps your heart

Even if just for a moment

2023sm

Rearing against the sky’s spherical volume

Fleeing the horizon

Sometimes I feel it too

This desire to escape the human mess

All the overlapping voices

Interwoven signals

I’d rather not bear witness

But

I am bound to this

Inhaling the same ancient molecules

Waiting with heavy eyelids

For everyone 

To be quiet

Just for a moment

A breath

But

Not today

Today I chain my heart to the stallions

Slowly crossing the atmosphere

I call to them

But

They can’t hear me

Over everyone else

All talking over one another

To see who can be the loudest

I let them win

Another day perhaps

2023sm

A small undercurrent of fear

before we consume

I’m with Jenny

We make our way to the bedroom and spend 10 minutes trying to get the Bluetooth speaker to connect

Pink Floyd

The Beatles, I begin to feel a trickle move through my body

Jenny announces “there it is”

I sing to her, Abbey Road,

She cries

We kiss, engulfed by one another’s presence

Not just here, now in this bed

But larger, on some magnificent logarithmic scale

Radiohead

I start to cry

Jenny says it’s okay

I feel a massive release of emotions

Crying, alternating sadness and sheer joy

She says “I felt that”

I say “there’s so much more”

It feels amazing to let go

Then I feel it at the base of my skull

It radiates through me

I feel fear

I tell Jenny I’m scared

She says it’s okay

I trust the universe

And ride a series of waves

The crests are high and scary

I feel anxious

People in my life roll through my mind like cards in a Rolodex

People who I’ve loved and who have loved me

People who I’ve hurt and have hurt me

And I feel okay with their presence 

I take deep breaths, in and out,

Then slide down the other side 

Joy again, singing,

My body feels like it is humming

My bones feel gelatinous

We laugh

Alternating through the ups and downs

Jenny says it’s pulling her again

I tell her it’s okay 

I breathe in the universe

And exhale the trapped particles of my little existence back out into the infinite soup

Jenny says it feels like we’re swimming

I say we are

I start skipping songs that are scary

I give in to the fear, momentary like electrical pulses

Breathe in and out

Back to joy and love

Repeat until things begin to settle

Yawning

I want to sleep but my body keeps vibrating

Jenny sleeps

I see beautiful visuals, translucent shapes racing

The fear stabilizes

I sleep

I awake and feel good

I derive from my experience

That I am temporary

Everything exists on the plane of time for it’s prescribed duration

And that I can endure anything

Ultimately

The universe cradles me in its warm center

2023sm

Yes you can. Can I kick it? Yes you can.”

My six-year-old sings A Tribe Called Quest

In the living room

He stands 3 feet from the TV

Playing Minecraft with resolute focus

I am in awe of his spirit

Yesterday we strolled the carnival

At first the ride scared him

The speed and increasing frequency 

Of the centrifugal force in his immediate experience

I calmly spoke to him

It’s just a ride

Daddy’s here

Everything is lovely

It’s just a ride

All rides come to an end

So too will this one

But for now

Enjoy the rotation

Look up at the sky while you spin

And then he loved it

Darkness came

The carnival lights moved through everything

Little waves cutting across the universe

In every direction

So bright, so vivid

You could almost hear their sound 

Feel the intensity of so many light emitting diodes and incandescent bulbs

The little warm center of my being

The trapped larval occupant

Absorbed all of it

Soaking in its energy

Growing against its chrysalis

Waiting to break free

To return to its origins

The eternal cycle

I smiled gently

Lost in the euphoric haze

And asked the cosmos 

Can I kick it?

It responded loudly, with ultimate certainty

Yes, you can

2023sm

Hidden in clusters of dark matter

I can hear the universe whisper to me

Sometimes it is scary

And I feel like a lost child

And then it is exhilarating

I am surfing through the cosmic ocean

I am no longer lost,

I have found my true center

Within

Just beyond my reach.

2023sm