words

every night this decision must be made,
to break in half or take it whole,
this small ovular mechanism
that will regulate my thoughts and actions,
my words, my many wasted dreams,
my general momentum.

several factors must be taken into consideration,
more than are fully understood,
how many terrible thoughts were there today,
how many will come tomorrow,
how much damage was done,
how much time spent chasing phantoms,
considerations, factors, formulas,
an endless coil of principle mathematics.

i witness, i crave,
i prowl the affections of women,
this delicacy of swollen hearts
and coming up mostly empty
i endear to swallow it whole,
every milligram of false persona,
this medicine to make me normal enough
to live among them for a moment more.

still i spin nodes ever indiscriminate
to the turnings of this catharsis,
exercising ultimately every energy
until i am but this,
whatever this may be,
a self-important self-indulgence
with no other definition than is.

-S.C. Martinez